Just kidding. I mean, unless there's air conditioning in there.
Walter and I have been looking ahead for a while now at the lakes we are eventually going to hit and we have finally hit them. Although, I haven't seen any lakes yet, but according to the map they are around here somewhere. We're in McAlester, OK now and it's probably the most humid air I've ever felt. For the last while now we have been saying, "This is the worst humidity I've ever felt", but I think today wins. Sojourner, Walter and I slowly pulled into the fair grounds soaking wet.
We lucked out, though, and were able to get a shower at the EXPO Center and they are going to let us sleep in the foyer of the building which is air conditioned. I don't think we would have been able to sleep in this weather otherwise so I am really, really grateful to them for making this happen.
We're a bit spoiled after two days at John and Kerri Halls house. Kerri and John are very interesting people who I am happy to know and look forward to seeing again. I don't think I could sum up all of their accomplishments and talents in one entry here, but to briefly skim the surface, John is an Oklahoma State Champion Archer, but even more impressively to me is his generosity, kindness, and excitement to share what he loves and what he knows with other people.
We had told him that we were working on learning Spanish and he quickly jumped into speaking Spanish and was genuinely happy that we have an interest in the language. As it turned out he was at one time a Spanish teacher.
Sadly, John's father died of cancer and his sister's cancer is now in remission so John has taken it upon himself to start "Wheelie for Life". For every foot he rides a wheelie on his dirt bike people donate a penny. So if he rides in a wheelie for a mile he earns $52.80 to go toward Cancer Research.
Sadly, John's father died of cancer and his sister's cancer is now in remission so John has taken it upon himself to start "Wheelie for Life". For every foot he rides a wheelie on his dirt bike people donate a penny. So if he rides in a wheelie for a mile he earns $52.80 to go toward Cancer Research.
John demonstrating by wheelying past my very Italian looking nose.
Kerri took her horse, Butterfly (who is a massive Quarter Horse), into the arena to show us some tricks. Her beauty matched with Butterfly's beauty doing these amazing tricks is quite a sight to see. I asked her why she wasn't doing this full time because it's something she has done her whole life and although she refers to herself as a jack of all trades and master of none, she could fool you with her abilities on a horse. Kerri has gone on the road performing in various rodeo's but said life on the road is hard and making it in the rodeo world as a woman is even harder.
Kerri is currently a teacher, but is getting back into trick riding and will probably start performing again soon. This way she can help support her son, Zayne, with his act. Now Kerri's mom, Vicki, is the other more theatrical act at the Rodeo. Both of them are on horses that Kerri's father, Leon Adams, has trained. Here is an incredible video of Zayne riding Rudy and Trudy at the Rodeo on Saturday night. Zayne is 11 years old.Leon has been riding horses his whole life and has trained horses and cows to jump over cars, maneuver through fire, dance, bow, and lie down, among other tricks.
Walter and Leon Adams before the show
After hundreds of performances and being inducted into the National Multicultural Western Heritage Museum and Hall of Fame and The Pro Rodeo Hall of Fame she is turning her focus to the newest young talent, her Grandson Zayne. Once she fully retires Kerri might pick up the torch and join her son in the big 18 wheeler to travel from rodeo to rodeo. If you're interested you can read more about Vicki's bio here: http://www.cowboysofcolor.org/profile.php?ID=18
Vicki and Cherokee dancing together
Kerri, John, their little girl, Jadee, a friend of theirs named Sarah, Walter, and I all piled into John's truck and headed up to a rodeo in the town of Cushing to see Zayne and Vicki perform.
Now, I was born in Sugarland, Texas. I would say Texas is home to the Cowboys and open country, but I don't believe I've ever been to a rodeo. If I had, I can't remember. Walter definitely has never been to a rodeo so we were in for a treat. I would say Leon's family was definitely the highlight of the whole night and I'm not being biased! The bare back riders were pretty awesome too, though....
Justin McKee, voice of the PBR (Professional Bull Riders), was the announcer for the rodeo. We met him before the rodeo over by the trailer, but we didn't know he had gotten some info. from Kerri about the ride.
Leon and the announcer, Justin McKee
As we were walking away Kerri said, "Oh! They're talking about you!" and had us run back over to the arena. Justin was announcing the ride to the audience and wished us well with many kind words. It was such a sweet gesture. This was pretty much how the whole rodeo was. It was such a positive family event and Justin keeps everything upbeat with his incredible talent to keep things alive through his words.
We were supposed to leave the next day, but we didn't get home until late and probably didn't fall asleep until 1am so we didn't really want to get up at 4 the next morning. We had thought about riding that night (last night) so we weren't behind a day, but Kerri and I got all of our leather stuff out and plans of a basketball rematch were whispering through the air so we decided we would just leave early the next morning.
John, Zayne, and Walter playing HORSE. Kerri and I showed them how to play a little later on in the evening.
Little Jadee observing the camera observe the game.
I love seeing passions passed down and picked up by younger generations. Vicki and Leon found each other in Denver, CO through a common love for entertaining with horses and passed their skills down to Kerri. Now Kerri's son has had hours upon hours upon days upon years with his Grandparents working copiously on the tricks of the trade. John said to us while we were driving to the rodeo, "When you have kids, teach them something."
The art is amazing, but the time with family, to me, is unmatched by anything else. I was thinking about life and my Poppy today (as I often do as I ride) and I thought about what he would say if I said "Well, Pop, you did it. You lived life. So what is it all about anyway? What do you say?"
I am sure to the bottom of my heart he would say, "my family".
There are so many talents carried by incredible people, but the teachers and the parents, the stories and the lessons, that's what gets me. That's what I look for and live for. I suppose this is why I wanted to slow down so badly and concentrate on what I really believe in. I want to hear the stories and I want to see the past in an old man's eyes and I want to really know this animal I have loved since I could speak my first word.
Sometimes people ask how we found the time to do this or they say, "when we get back to real life", but to me this is real life. What does it mean to find time to do something? Time is time and we walk through it and here it is always. I don't get it. Sometimes I wonder how we find time to drive our cars to jobs we don't like when there are so many other things to do.
I suppose my lifestyle is a little more open to this mentality because I am single and without children, but nothing I do will ever be a time-out from real life. This is it and this is real and everything is forward moving toward whatever is next, but right now my life is here on the back of a horse out in a country I am happy to be more closely acquainted with.
...
Vicki had a dream as a little girl so her father got her a trick saddle for Christmas and from there she was able to turn a little girls dream into an incredible career. My father used to drive me two hours each way to a theater so I could perform because he believed in what I loved and my mother made me confident I could succeed at it. My mom, Stephen, and Walter have done everything in their power to help make this dream of mine to ride across the country come true. A woman who is very dear to me told me with tears in her eyes that her father told her she was "always so capable" and with that confidence she built her own successful business. All of us have someone who helped us and someone we live to do well for.
The future is in the hands of the children, but the prosperity of the future is in the hands of the parents. Teach them something.
We were supposed to leave the next day, but we didn't get home until late and probably didn't fall asleep until 1am so we didn't really want to get up at 4 the next morning. We had thought about riding that night (last night) so we weren't behind a day, but Kerri and I got all of our leather stuff out and plans of a basketball rematch were whispering through the air so we decided we would just leave early the next morning.
John, Zayne, and Walter playing HORSE. Kerri and I showed them how to play a little later on in the evening.
Little Jadee observing the camera observe the game.
I love seeing passions passed down and picked up by younger generations. Vicki and Leon found each other in Denver, CO through a common love for entertaining with horses and passed their skills down to Kerri. Now Kerri's son has had hours upon hours upon days upon years with his Grandparents working copiously on the tricks of the trade. John said to us while we were driving to the rodeo, "When you have kids, teach them something."
The art is amazing, but the time with family, to me, is unmatched by anything else. I was thinking about life and my Poppy today (as I often do as I ride) and I thought about what he would say if I said "Well, Pop, you did it. You lived life. So what is it all about anyway? What do you say?"
I am sure to the bottom of my heart he would say, "my family".
There are so many talents carried by incredible people, but the teachers and the parents, the stories and the lessons, that's what gets me. That's what I look for and live for. I suppose this is why I wanted to slow down so badly and concentrate on what I really believe in. I want to hear the stories and I want to see the past in an old man's eyes and I want to really know this animal I have loved since I could speak my first word.
Sometimes people ask how we found the time to do this or they say, "when we get back to real life", but to me this is real life. What does it mean to find time to do something? Time is time and we walk through it and here it is always. I don't get it. Sometimes I wonder how we find time to drive our cars to jobs we don't like when there are so many other things to do.
I suppose my lifestyle is a little more open to this mentality because I am single and without children, but nothing I do will ever be a time-out from real life. This is it and this is real and everything is forward moving toward whatever is next, but right now my life is here on the back of a horse out in a country I am happy to be more closely acquainted with.
...
Vicki had a dream as a little girl so her father got her a trick saddle for Christmas and from there she was able to turn a little girls dream into an incredible career. My father used to drive me two hours each way to a theater so I could perform because he believed in what I loved and my mother made me confident I could succeed at it. My mom, Stephen, and Walter have done everything in their power to help make this dream of mine to ride across the country come true. A woman who is very dear to me told me with tears in her eyes that her father told her she was "always so capable" and with that confidence she built her own successful business. All of us have someone who helped us and someone we live to do well for.
The future is in the hands of the children, but the prosperity of the future is in the hands of the parents. Teach them something.
I know how important family is. I have been crying so hard the last few days. I come from a very dysfunctional family. My mother is is insane (no joke) and my father is cold and has never really been there.
ReplyDeleteMy grandparents have been there for me and I only have one left.
Recently, my boyfriend has really realized just how out of touch my dad is with me and my brother. He's angry and says angry things.
He's never seen anyone treat their own daughter that way.
Then today, he invited me to his dad's 60th BD trip to Durango, Co.
I don't want to go, I feel uncomfortable. All I have ever WANTED was moments like this....but with my OWN dad.
My boyfriend's father cares more for me about than my father.
He ACTUALLY makes time for me. Unlike my dad, he calls me just to say hello.
This should be good and happy right? It's just making it harder to deal with my feelings. I know life is hard, but you make time for people you care about..
This hurts, it hurts so bad!
Forgive me for "blogging" on your Blog about my feelings. Several things you said triggered so much hurt and sadness.
I can't seem to accept and move on....make "new families" with supportive friends. I'm trying. People say, just let go of these feelings.
It's not that easy. I can say I let it go and TOTALLY not feel it inside.
Perhaps you and your friends have some inspiration for "letting go"? Or better words even?
Love and safe travels,
Darcy
PS thanks for your blog and pictures! Always
Darcy... if you need someone to talk to about this I can help you...as a friend, as an adopted daughter and professionally as a counselor. Your triggers may make you feel sad and hurting--- but in the long run- they are all postiive, sweetie... that means you are choosing to face yourself and your emotions and work through it so that in the future you can adopt the family you want into your life. Sometimes family is more than just blood--- sometimes(most times) family are those you invite you, take you in and love you for who you are.
ReplyDeleteLinny-- please say it is so. I saw it in print...and hope the Ada papers are being truthful. They have a quote from you in there saying that Walter and you have fallen in love. Verbalizing something like this to the world is a self admission that is priceless... I'm probably just being ridiculous by stating the obvious... but here is the article none the less. Now this ride is YOUR LOVE STORY...
ReplyDeletehttp://adaeveningnews.com/local/x1907086005/Folk-musician-rides-horse-across-country
Darcy,
ReplyDeleteI read your comment when I got home from work last night, I thought about what you wrote when I went to bed.I know that many people say let go, move on, but I don't think we can truly let go of things that have such a huge impact on our lives. Somehow we have to
learn how to take from those experiences and morph them into something that helps us grow.
Trying to get to that place can take a while, and when we are lucky the people in our life understand that. I was just talking with Linny
the other day, and was saying what was most helpful to me when I was feeling so sad,was that my best friend Gracie, and my brother and
sister would understand when I just couldn't pull up my bootstraps. It was like they said let them drag, just keep on walking, I'll walk with you.
Through time, not that I would have chosen things to happen the way they have, they have changed me, and I think for the good. So I guess what I am trying to say, sometimes these parts of our life that are so painful, cause us to feel so deeply, and from such a visceral
place,help us to look deep inside. We learn to see through the eyes of others. This knowledge is gained the hard way, but it can be used to
make our lives so much more forfilled if we can learn to use it .When you read inspirational books it seems very often they are born out of someones journey through the valley of pain.." The power of now", he
wrote this book after hitting rock bottom. I read every book I could looking for the answer, they didn't give me the answer, but they gave me the time and desire to look. Our answer are our own, as are our journeys, but people sharing can help us get there.
Although you have such pain, and I know how a very simple thing said by another, can set of such a feeling of sadness. At Christmas time
when everyone hangs up their family photos at work, I feel a pang of sadness, and then feel guilty for feeling sad,...... it happens.... I
call Gracie..... she says its OK.. and its OK.
So I think we take the loss of how we thought it should be, or how we wanted it to be, with us throughout our lives. Every once in a
while we will feel that loss, maybe just as strong as during our time of our deepest sadness, but it doesn't last as long, because now you have learned, or are learning to fill the void with something just as powerful. Something that probably could have only been reached by walking through that valley of pain.
What is that something, I don't know for sure, but I know that it is there, so I keep walking, many times with my bootstraps dragging. but when I look to my side I see allot of people walking with me.
Thank you both so much M. and Wendy! I'd love to talk to you both more!
ReplyDeletedarcystudebaker@gmail.com
I REALLY needed to hear those things :)
BIG HUGS!
We are all on the road in one sense or another. Poppy was near and dear to Linny, as she so often writes, because he was a giver, not a lender. He did take a genuine interest in what and who you were. He listened. He did not judge. And he accepted you as you are, warts and all. I have found that giving my time and energy to being the wind under some people's wings has allowed me to escape at least some of those old ghosts so firmly planted in my childhood.
ReplyDeleteI should add, to my earlier comment, that I found the best parts of myself through my relationship with "Poppy." Not through advice but by having respect for him, wanting to be more like him. I would (and still do) ask myself "what would Poppy do in this situation." I have often joked that I would like to get a t-shirt made that has "WWPD" on it (kind of like the What Would Jesus Do ["WWJD"] shirts); maybe even get his (Poppy's, that is) picture on it. Right or wrong, he was decisive and that made a huge difference to me as I looked at him function on a day to day basis. I learned that any decision, even if it winds up wrong, is better than no decision.
ReplyDeleteI was there when he had some very tough moments in his life, ones that would bring most men to their knees. I think that, privately, he came pretty close to it during those times. But he did not waver when it came to his public persona which Linny has referred to here and there throughout her blog. I think what allowed him to persevere was the fact that he was entirely "comfortable in his own skin", not jealous of anyone or anything, but through a clear sense of self, not egotism. He was also able to be happy with what he had. I never knew him to be desirous of things he did not have.
For many people, if not most of us, no matter how much therapy or drugs or positive relationships we/they have, the monsters under the bed do not entirely disappear, as Wendy wrote so well in her comment, But you can get a break from them once in awhile, maybe even most of the time, if you begin to get a grip on what activities make you happy. Those breaks can accumulate in your consciousness if you allow them to. You can remember them in those times when you are back to dealing with the monsters. Recalling the breaks help you realize that you are not stuck with the bad stuff all the time and point you in the direction of activities that are fulfilling, which leads me to Linny's dream.
Linny wrote that she gets asked how she finds the time to do this (ride). At this stage of her life, she writes, why not? How many of us get to live our dream? But did she "get" to live her dream through some kind of large donation or wealthy benefactor or did she simply decide that she was going to make it happen some how, some way even if it took years to make happen.
It is far more difficult and risky to decide for ourselves what it is that we DO love, need, desire. Our culture, our society, does not endorse that notion and will do its best to literally scare us out of it. Our culture of capitalism does not foster independent thinking. And, in working through this process for ourselves, we run the risk of being very wrong. Isn't it very risky in our society to throw your self into something that may wind up a failure? Aren't we led to believe that "#2 is the first loser"? Thus, people very naturally and innocently ask Linny how she finds the time to do this ride.
Linny is showing us all (myself included) that we must dare to not just dream, but work towards making that dream come true even if the risks are great, the work is hard, and the monsters may very well appear at times along the way.
wow. i'm struggling for words, but dan you do get poppy!!!! it's the people and most of us are really nice to one another it just doesn't get enough news time. love you guys. aunt val
ReplyDeleteDarcy,
ReplyDeleteThe words from Dan and Wendy are certainly heartfelt and encouraging. Just know that behind both of them are feelings that they struggle with, just as you do.
One of the best gifts I ever gave myself was forgiving my father for the pain he inflicted on me and my family. My father was an abusive alcoholic that physically beat my mother to the point of hospitalization. This was during an era that society believed, what happened in a man's home was his business. Until my 10 year brother brandished a butter knife to protect my mother, my father would take all his drunken frustrations and anger out on my mom. At that point, my mother made the decision that leaving my father was the only sensible thing to do. Not an easy decision for a young 27 year old woman with 4 kids, no education and no job training. My father threatened even more violence and refused to give her any financial support. My mother had the courage and determination to leave anyway.
My mother is my hero. It was an incredibly difficult road she chose but she was determined and succeeded in not only getting her education but supporting us without any help from my father.
I have never been able to understand how a man could convince himself that he was not responsible for the children he conceived. He made a good living and spent his years marrying so many women that I don't even know how many there were. He came into our lives at various times, never for long and always with conflicting emotions.
When he was diagnosed with cancer, he contacted me and I made the attempt to reconcile with him. Let's just say, his stripes never changed, even on his death bed.
I have 58 years of history and counseling behind me and can say that the pain is of no importance to me anymore. I have endeavored to understand my father's own history and what may have been his own conflicting emotions regarding his father. I don't know what caused his self-inflicted demise and what pains he may have endured. It's enough to know that he was his own worst enemy and his lack of care for me had nothing to do with my own self worth. Easy to say, I know. You will probably need to remind yourself every day, none the less but your father's lack of care for you is not a reflection of your value.
You do have a choice to make. What ever you decide won't be easy but with a loving partner and extended family you can take the steps, one at a time, down the road you want to travel.
Besides, sounds like you have the boots to kick ass and you certainly have the support of the Linney Fanclub. Isn't it amazing what we are all learning along this journey? Who would have thought that a dream of riding cross country would introduce such a variety of individuals to each other.
None of us are alone.
Nancy
P.S. I love that Italian profile, Linney.
Darcy,
ReplyDeleteThe words from Dan and Wendy are certainly heartfelt and encouraging. Just know that behind both of them are feelings that they struggle with, just as you do.
One of the best gifts I ever gave myself was forgiving my father for the pain he inflicted on me and my family. My father was an abusive alcoholic that physically beat my mother to the point of hospitalization. This was during an era that society believed, what happened in a man's home was his business. Until my 10 year brother brandished a butter knife to protect my mother, my father would take all his drunken frustrations and anger out on my mom. At that point, my mother made the decision that leaving my father was the only sensible thing to do. Not an easy decision for a young 27 year old woman with 4 kids, no education and no job training. My father threatened even more violence and refused to give her any financial support. My mother had the courage and determination to leave anyway.
My mother is my hero. It was an incredibly difficult road she chose but she was determined and succeeded in not only getting her education but supporting us without any help from my father.
I have never been able to understand how a man could convince himself that he was not responsible for the children he conceived.
He came into our lives at various times, never for long and always with conflicting emotions.
When he was diagnosed with cancer, he contacted me and I made the attempt to reconcile with him. Let's just say, his stripes never changed, even on his death bed.
I have 58 years of history and counseling behind me and can say that the pain is of no importance to me anymore. I have endeavored to understand my father's own history. I don't know what caused his self-inflicted demise and what pains he may have endured. It's enough to know that he was his own worst enemy and his lack of care for me had nothing to do with my own self worth. Easy to say, I know. You will probably need to remind yourself every day, none the less but your father's lack of care for you is not a reflection of your value.
You do have a choice to make. What ever you decide won't be easy but with a loving partner and extended family you can take the steps, one at a time, down the road you want to travel.
Besides, sounds like you have the boots to kick ass and you certainly have the support of the Linney Fanclub. Isn't it amazing what we are all learning along this journey? Who would have thought that a dream of riding cross country would introduce such a variety of individuals to each other.
None of us are alone.
Nancy
P.S. I love that Italian profile, Linney.
Sorry about the double entry. My lack of computer savvy is showing. Ignore which ever one you want. I just tried to condense the first to fit the bytes available but it got posted anyway. Who knows....those little cypermice are nibbling away.
ReplyDeleteDearest Dan and Nancy and everyone I already thanked (I thank again!),
ReplyDeleteThanks for being there for me! Thank you for reaching out to me.
Thank you all for your insight, wisdom and knowledge.
You are amazing people!
I wish I could have met Poppy!
My grandfather had this adorable personality (different) and I miss that a lot!
He would just chuckle under his breath. He never complained, not even from the cancer.
I hear that chuckle sometimes and I feel so happy he was in my life and his memory still is!
Just like my Grandma Peggy's words (who supported my horse habit at a young age and encouraged it) will always be there.
She was a mother to me. I miss her so much. She supported my dreams and NEVER tried to kill them.
If I were to do a "Linny ride", mine would be "support your kids dreams! (even if they are silly to you)" :) There is so much love for Linny. That kind of support and love is so wonderful! Magical even!
It renews my love and faith in human beings!
Nancy, I don't know how you managed to forgive him. You are a very strong lady.....like your mother! I hope and pray I can forgive both my parents. Especially my dad.
Since my mother is mentally ill, it is easier to just think, "she can't help herself". That makes it easier.
My dad; however, is highly intelligent, a doctor and used to be such a great dad when I was a child. That makes it harder.....I'm always wanting that love I once got.
Even if I may have distorted how "great" he was when I was little.
He rescued me... from her and her beatings and hateful words. He was my hero and knight in shining armor.
I must try to have more courage and patience with this. Sigh...
It's so hard not to take it personally for me. I feel rejected by him and I'm not so sure he even has any idea he is so cold.
I feel very valued that you all took the time to tell me your stories. Thank you Dan and Nancy!
Linney, your nose is adorable (not that I could tell an Italian nose from an Irish one)! I can tell a quarter horse from an Arabian :P a Lippizaner
from a Thoroughbred...... etc. etc.
I am so happy to read that you and Walter have fallen for each other!!!!! This makes me feel true joy!
I hope I can meet you all someday. Even if it's not on this journey.
You have helped me more than you will ever now.
Thank you, thank you so much!
Hugs all around :)
Darcy- I read your comment early on the morning after you wrote it and thought about it all day as I rode that day. I haven't had the means to get on-line the past couple of days, but I wrote this in Word on my computer and saved it so I'll post it now...
ReplyDeleteI think forgiveness is a huge part of "letting go". You're not letting go of them, just these feelings that drag you down. From my experience, so much of our misery is from our own head twirling things over and over which creates a monster. I don't think you should feel any pressure to let go of these feelings at any certain time. People practice for years and years to reach some sort of enlightenment where they can let emotions enter them and just as quickly pass through them. I think to say just forgive and this big cloud will be lifted is easier said than done and from what I've learned these kinds of things just take time.
I would go to your boyfriend's dad's party though. It sounds like they really care for you. I know you probably draw a parallel to your parents, but everything that happens in your life brings you to someone or somewhere and to change it would change so many things that you probably love. You know what I mean? I think the best thing is to just take a deep breath and know that everything will be okay.
I know the grass might look greener over in your boyfriend's yard, but your parents love you. Even if they don't express it the way you would hope, they do. Every parent loves their child. And definitely tell your dad all of these feelings. I'm sure you have, but maybe make a night for a dinner together or something? Does he know exactly how you feel?
My dad had a similar situation. When he reads this he will probably write to you. My Grandfather was like a dad to him, but his own dad was a bit rough and my Grandma was schizophrenic.
So don't cry, beautiful woman. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile and go for a good run. Running always helps me. Or singing. Or riding really, really fast.
This is just a bunch of words. All I know is that I know it's so hard when you feel like your family is hurting and you're hurting and all you want is for all of you to be together and happy. God, I know how that feels, but with this comes that and with that comes everything else and it all flows and circles around and in the end somehow it's all okay...but I really think the key is to forgive.
.....
So that's what I wrote the other day and now I have just had a chance to read what my mom and my aunt and dad and Nancy wrote and...well, I don't know, but there it is. This is what blows me away. We all have these battles but we really are all in it together and there are so many people ready to talk and laugh and nod their head in understanding with you.
I think you should keep trying with your dad though. Just be so totally honest with him and never give up....
Somewhere inside there, even if he seems so cold, you're his little girl, even if he has all of those feelings buried so deep inside you don't get to enjoy them, like Nancy's dad. He loves you. Just remember he loves you.
Thanks Linny!
ReplyDelete"head twirling things over and over which creates a monster"....that is so true!
I think I'll just try that "one day at a time thing" my alcoholic friends do.
Today, I forgive my dad....just today. Maybe I won't feel that way tomorrow. But, I can try the next day and the next day.
I have invited him out (and to eat over at my house) for meals in the last year. He's been "too busy" every time. I suppose if it gets to three years, I can just say, "well, you've been saying that for three years".
I keep trying. I won't stop. I even offer to pay, when I have little money. I know he loves me....in a really weird way....it's not the relationship I want, but perhaps it will get better (crosses fingers).
You're so right! Running does help! Riding, even better! It's a little hot for Nate....unless I want to get up at 6am (not). I think I will try to jog this evening!
I am going on that trip! I need their love and who knows, I may never see Durango if I don't.
I need to tell my boyfriend's family how special they are to me. Not going would be unfair to him on his birthday and all of them. They already have things planned out.
Thanks Linny! You are a muse indeed :) I'd be happy to call you my family any day! AND your family! How wonderful you all are!!!!!!!
Safe travels and hugs to Soj!
Darcy,
ReplyDeleteSo glad you have received help and comfort from all of these wise words. My relationship with my dad has never been very good. He had virtually no patience for children, didn't believe that a father should socialize with his kids, and was a really strict disciplinarian who was quick to ridicule. My mom and I were close, but she passed away when I was 14 and then it was just me and my dad (my older siblings had all moved out).
So, I have many, many memories like what you described. I tried everything I knew to get my dad to spend some time with me. We finally got there once he was fully retired and I was in my 30's.
I do know that my dad loves me very much. I'm sure yours does, too.
Parents of friends (like your boyfriend's) took me in when I needed support, especially after my mom died. That's a blessing I can see for you. I would definitely accept their kindness.
And I finally worked through it all and let the resentment go, but it had to be in my own time, as part of my own journey. Linny's advice not to put yourself under time pressure is good. I remember my brother saying "Just let it go" and I replied that I wasn't ready. I was still too angry.
Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I understand some of the feelings you are experiencing. So glad that you have some wonderful people supporting you, including here on this journey.
Thank you Jackie! That helps! I know my dad is ready to retire. I hope that we will have some great quality time when he does.
ReplyDeleteYou all have so many wise words :)
I feel so happy to have "met" you all! It feels really good to hear that letting go is different for everybody.
I am getting back into yoga. Monday, I have arranged a private class with my favorite instructor.
I'm really looking forward to it! Something about moving, running, riding....ALL those things seem to really help.
I feel so fortunate to find people like you all, to voice this stuff to!
Now, it's time to reconnect with my body.
I bet that is REALLY going to help my mind quiet down A LOT! Turn off the " head twirling" as Linny called it!
Linny, can you write a song about "head twirling" :)
I'd like that!
I can hear it already, Charlie Daniels, "Devil went down to Georgia" and "Flight of the Bumble Bee" kinda combined.
I tried to play Flight of the bumble bee once.....I only got through four measures or so?.....talk about insane!
There is a (rather handsome) fella named David Garrett. He plays it on violin, in world record time! It's on youtube. I think of this song often, when my brain won't SHUT UP :P HAhaaaa!
Thank you again Jackie :) and Hugs and goodnight everybody!
Safe travels <3